My Heart is Full

Today my heart is full.

With having health problems for years, 2 surgeries within 6 months of each other last year, stress of raising kids, stress of kids with health problems, financial issues, etc... It has been so easy over the years to get so caught up in my own little world. I get so focused on how fatigued I am feeling, how stressed I am with trying to keep up with the day to day stuff, so focused on things pertaining to myself, that I just feel empty. I felt like I was losing myself and didn't know who I was any more.

Lately, in order to help out with our financial situation, I have been trying to find ways to earn money. My friend hired me to clean her house. It really helped us out, but it just felt so wrong to me to be paid to do this service. I was glad to make money to be able to help out our family, but I still didn't feel accomplished or any better about myself. I couldn't figure out why. But today I have had a light bulb moment.

Serving others is so ingrained in me. I live to serve others. I had the opportunity to serve several times lately and I am actually feeling less empty. My heart feels full because of this. It feels just downright wrong to do things and be paid. I know in the big scheme of things that is just silly, but that is just how my heart is. I don't write this to draw attention to any service I have done or to try to get praise or a pat on the back. Not at all. I always feel weird talking about service I have done or when people acknowledge what I have done (of course when people thank me it does make me feel good). I write this because to me, this is a special realization that Heavenly Father has given me. My little daily miracle, if you will.

I think that I have been given opportunities to serve because Heavenly Father knows that is what I need to overcome my depression due to being so focused on my trials. He knows my heart. He knows my soul. And He provides me with the things I need to overcome my struggles. It just took me a while to realize that these opportunities to serve were His way of helping me through.

Small and Simple Things

Some days it can be hard to see the miracles around us. I am sure there are big miracles that happen around me and I am just not noticing them as my mind is preoccupied with life... looking back on today the miracle that comes first to my mind is very simple and small. I played a game with my 8 year old daughter.

Yes, you read that right. My miracle today was that I did a simple thing of playing a game with my child. Why is that a miracle? To explain, I will need to give a little bit more background.

Since my son was born a little over 3 years ago, I have had major sleep deprivation. He had health issues that caused him to not be able to sleep very well. (I'll write more about that in another post at another time) Which meant that I didn't sleep very well. As the years have gone on, I still have various things that have been affecting my sleep so I never, ever feel rested. Add on top of that my health problems (which cause fatigue) and the stress of raising a teenager, an inbetweener, and 2 toddlers... and I am a a mess. My stress hormone is on full blast all the time. I am always worn out.

Each day I have a kind of ritual that I do to give myself time to de-stress for a little bit in order to make it the rest of the day. I put my son down for a nap, have the other kids go play outside or busy with something, and then I make myself lunch which I eat in my bed as I watch a tv show. I NEED that time. I have found that I am a better mom when I get to have that time to step away from the craziness of my life.

Today my 8 year old asked me to please play a wii game with her. I finished my lunch and wanted to finish watching my show to de-stress a little longer. I put her off for a few minutes and tried to justify not playing a game with her, but I realized how important it was to her. So I reluctantly went out to play a game with her.

I saw that she had picked Just Dance... Dancing around all goofy?? Really? But I did it. I made sure to get real into it and be silly. I ended up having a lot of fun and so did she. We spent quality, fun one on one time together. I am so glad I put aside my selfish need/want and put her needs first. I know the nudge came from above, because He knew her needs.

Finding Joy

I am a mom of 4 kids, ages 13, 8, 4, and 3. My 3 year old is a crazy, Tasmanian devil boy- I say that VERY lovingly, of course! I adore him, but he definitely wears me out. The other 3 are girls... and can be high drama. So they wear me out too.

There are days when I actually think to myself, "I don't want to be a mom any more! Why is this the life I wanted so bad as a kid?!?!"

Those days... are very hard days. Not just hard because the kids are fighting over EVERYTHING, or because my son dumped yet ANOTHER cup of juice, water, or milk all over his sister's bedroom, or because I have to figure out another dinner and find the energy to actually make it, or the many other challenges I face as a parent. The part that makes it the hardest is the guilt I feel. I feel guilty for not having the patience that I feel I should have with my kids. I feel guilty that dinner was thrown together and is mostly leftovers we have had the past couple days. Guilt over not getting the house clean. Guilt over yelling at my kids when I got to my whits end. But the BIGGEST guilt of all that I feel on those days is for actually wishing that these beautiful little spawns of my husband and I weren't here. Because when I let myself think that I don't want to be a mom any more, that it is too much- I'm in a way saying I wish they didn't exist.

That guilt is the worst. That guilt makes me feel like the worst person to ever live.

I love my kids so much. Sometimes life gets hard. I put my needs on the back burner, I don't take care of my own health, I don't take the time to do things that I used to love doing, and I let moments of joy slip through my fingers.

When I am struggling, my sister will lovingly remind me that in the scriptures there is a phrase, "It came to pass". That my hard times will pass, because they didn't "come to stay". I love this reminder.

Today I am focusing on the joy as much as I can. The good things that I can find joy in. Because these amazing kids are growing up- much too fast!- and before I know it, they will be adults living their own lives and I will miss this so much. So I will find joy in this phase of my life. This phase will pass all too quickly and I don't want to be asleep at the wheel and one day realize I missed out on all the joyful moments.

This realization is a miracle to me. Heavenly Father knows my needs and nudged me to start writing again because He knows that when I write- I realize things. It makes the light bulb turn on. And that if I am actively looking for the daily miracles, then I will find them.

Heavenly Father's Love

Last week I had the opportunity to go to Girl's Camp with the girls ages 12-18 from our church. I was gone for 5 days. I was really excited to go, but was worried about how my 1 year old son and 2 year old daughter would do with me gone. My son had never been away from me for more than 5 hours before. I had some anxiety about leaving him, but knew it was important for me to go. My husband took time off so he was home full time. The night before I left, I prayed that the kids would be ok. That my 1 and 2 year old would adjust well and be ok with me being gone and that they would understand I was coming back. I prayed the same thing daily while I was at camp. The week went on and the reception was barely existing since we were out in the woods. But I was able to get a text every once in a while, so checked in daily at home. My husband let me know that the kids were doing great. Better than expected. I was glad, but then it started to make me feel sad that they didn't even seem to miss me. When I got home and got to love on my kids, I felt better until I let my mind think about it too much. I began feeling depressed. I began feeling that my kids didn't even need me. That I really had no purpose here. When I went to bed and said my nightly prayer I broke down in tears. I cried to Heavenly Father asking what my purpose even was. That I was feeling like my children didn't need me. After I finished my prayer and laid in bed crying. I heard a voice saying, "You asked me to take care of them and I did." Instantly the depression lifted and my tears became tears of gratitude and peace. What an incredible blessing that was.

Needle in a Haystack...

We had been renting a home for the past year and recently our lease was up.  We had to decide if we were going to sign a new lease and stay, or find a new place to live.  Through lots of prayer, we decided that it was time to buy a house.  Part of me doubted it could really happen, but we still went and spoke to someone about a loan.  Our jaws dropped when we prequalified for a good size loan.  So we put in our notice to vacate when the lease was up.
As you may know, buying a house does take time.  So we had to figure out what to do in the mean time.  My parents graciously let us move in with them while we buy a house.  We put all of our stuff into storage and settled into my parents house and the home loan process began!

We were just informed that for the loan they need all W2's from 2010....Well....me being the organizer that I am, filed away everything from 2010 and before.  Which of course meant the box or bin with all those papers was somewhere in one of our 3 storage units. I tried to find ways of obtaining copies of them so I wouldn't have to go dig them out, but there was no way, save it be to pay lots of money to the IRS and wait weeks for them to come.

Today I decided that I would go and look.  I had narrowed it down to 2 storage units that it could be in.  So I opened both doors and immediately felt discouraged.  They were stuffed full and the front was full of odds and ends thrown in.  I called my husband and told him that we would have to come back on his next day off and unload the storage unit.
After I hung up the phone, I said a prayer.  I felt strongly which unit it was in.  I then had a feeling to start moving out boxes on a certain side of the unit.  So I started pulling out a dresser, baby bassinet, and lots of boxes and odds and ends.  I finally reached the stacks of bins (about 6 feet back) and couldn't see any labels.  Again I was discouraged.  I was about to put everything back in when I noticed a small bin that had been put on the bottom of a stack of boxes, which was crushed from the weight of everything on top of it.  I figured I better unbury it and put it on top.  As I moved the whole stack that was on top of it, I kept noticing a box with squiggly writing on it....not my handwriting.  I ignored it and moved on.  But my attention kept being drawn to it so I finally decided to read what it said....and there were the words (in my husband's "fanciest" writing) "Important papers."  

I had found it!  But truly, it wasn't me who had found it.  I was directed to it.  Had I ignored those promptings to dig a little further and to read what was labeled on a box that I thought for sure wouldn't be the box I was looking for (I thought I had put them into a bin and labeled it myself), then we wouldn't have the papers that we so badly need for our loan.  I immediately thanked Heavenly Father for his assistance in finding the box....the needle in a haystack, so to speak.  I am truly blessed.

Moments That Change A Life

Last week on Monday, my husband's parents and brother were supposed to be driving across the state to visit us.  Instead my husband and I drove over 6 hours to the hospital where my father-in-law lay on life support, so that we could say our goodbyes.  Then we stayed by his side as he passed on.

It was one of the saddest and hardest things I have ever had happen in my life.  I have lost many people in my life, but had never been with someone as they passed away.  As sad as it was to be there, I am glad we were able to be there.  We were able to say goodbye and we were able to be there with him so he wasn't alone as his life slipped away.

This experience has really affected me.  I have been grieving deeply, but have also learned from this happening. I learned that it is important to always let people know how you feel about them so that there are no regrets if they pass away.  I have always felt awkward with being "touchy/huggy" with people or telling people I love them (other than to my husband, my children, and my parents).  I don't want to continue that route, so I have already begun working on that in myself.  I am pretty sure I caught my brother-in-law off guard when I gave him a hug this past week, but I know I would feel awful if anything happened and he never knew that I consider him my brother.

I know this is completely cliche', but life really is too short.  Goes along with the other cliche' of "live like there's no tomorrow."  I started to realize this after my husband and my dear friend passed away last fall and now with losing my father-in-law it is cemented into my mind.  So now I am making changes in my life.

There is a song that is now one of my favorites, which I think fits very well for how I want to be now.

For King & Country "Proof of Your Love"

Christmas Miracle

Today my husband and I dropped our 2 older kids off with my mom so we could get some shopping out of the way.  When we left one of the stores, we had our 8 month old baby in the cart as we walked across the parking lot to our van.  As we were walking, my husband and I noticed something fall to the ground.  We stopped and looked and it was a coupon.  I stood there for a few seconds confused because the coupon was in the diaper bag (deep down in a pocket) which was buried under some grocery bags.  As I was standing there confused at how it could suddenly fall out like that, a van backed up really fast from it's parking spot.  Didn't even see us standing there.  Had we not stopped to pick up the coupon and kept walking instead, the van would have hit us.

At first we were freaked out at the van backing out so fast, but we quickly felt thankful that the coupon flew out onto the ground.  Which in all reality shouldn't have been able to get out of the bag and fall... We know without a doubt in our minds that we were being watched over and protected.  Had that van hit us, our 8 month old would have gotten badly hurt and we could have gotten hurt too (and I am pregnant, so baby could have been hurt too).  This truly was a miracle that we are thanking our gracious Heavenly Father for.