Finding Joy

I am a mom of 4 kids, ages 13, 8, 4, and 3. My 3 year old is a crazy, Tasmanian devil boy- I say that VERY lovingly, of course! I adore him, but he definitely wears me out. The other 3 are girls... and can be high drama. So they wear me out too.

There are days when I actually think to myself, "I don't want to be a mom any more! Why is this the life I wanted so bad as a kid?!?!"

Those days... are very hard days. Not just hard because the kids are fighting over EVERYTHING, or because my son dumped yet ANOTHER cup of juice, water, or milk all over his sister's bedroom, or because I have to figure out another dinner and find the energy to actually make it, or the many other challenges I face as a parent. The part that makes it the hardest is the guilt I feel. I feel guilty for not having the patience that I feel I should have with my kids. I feel guilty that dinner was thrown together and is mostly leftovers we have had the past couple days. Guilt over not getting the house clean. Guilt over yelling at my kids when I got to my whits end. But the BIGGEST guilt of all that I feel on those days is for actually wishing that these beautiful little spawns of my husband and I weren't here. Because when I let myself think that I don't want to be a mom any more, that it is too much- I'm in a way saying I wish they didn't exist.

That guilt is the worst. That guilt makes me feel like the worst person to ever live.

I love my kids so much. Sometimes life gets hard. I put my needs on the back burner, I don't take care of my own health, I don't take the time to do things that I used to love doing, and I let moments of joy slip through my fingers.

When I am struggling, my sister will lovingly remind me that in the scriptures there is a phrase, "It came to pass". That my hard times will pass, because they didn't "come to stay". I love this reminder.

Today I am focusing on the joy as much as I can. The good things that I can find joy in. Because these amazing kids are growing up- much too fast!- and before I know it, they will be adults living their own lives and I will miss this so much. So I will find joy in this phase of my life. This phase will pass all too quickly and I don't want to be asleep at the wheel and one day realize I missed out on all the joyful moments.

This realization is a miracle to me. Heavenly Father knows my needs and nudged me to start writing again because He knows that when I write- I realize things. It makes the light bulb turn on. And that if I am actively looking for the daily miracles, then I will find them.

Heavenly Father's Love

Last week I had the opportunity to go to Girl's Camp with the girls ages 12-18 from our church. I was gone for 5 days. I was really excited to go, but was worried about how my 1 year old son and 2 year old daughter would do with me gone. My son had never been away from me for more than 5 hours before. I had some anxiety about leaving him, but knew it was important for me to go. My husband took time off so he was home full time. The night before I left, I prayed that the kids would be ok. That my 1 and 2 year old would adjust well and be ok with me being gone and that they would understand I was coming back. I prayed the same thing daily while I was at camp. The week went on and the reception was barely existing since we were out in the woods. But I was able to get a text every once in a while, so checked in daily at home. My husband let me know that the kids were doing great. Better than expected. I was glad, but then it started to make me feel sad that they didn't even seem to miss me. When I got home and got to love on my kids, I felt better until I let my mind think about it too much. I began feeling depressed. I began feeling that my kids didn't even need me. That I really had no purpose here. When I went to bed and said my nightly prayer I broke down in tears. I cried to Heavenly Father asking what my purpose even was. That I was feeling like my children didn't need me. After I finished my prayer and laid in bed crying. I heard a voice saying, "You asked me to take care of them and I did." Instantly the depression lifted and my tears became tears of gratitude and peace. What an incredible blessing that was.

Needle in a Haystack...

We had been renting a home for the past year and recently our lease was up.  We had to decide if we were going to sign a new lease and stay, or find a new place to live.  Through lots of prayer, we decided that it was time to buy a house.  Part of me doubted it could really happen, but we still went and spoke to someone about a loan.  Our jaws dropped when we prequalified for a good size loan.  So we put in our notice to vacate when the lease was up.
As you may know, buying a house does take time.  So we had to figure out what to do in the mean time.  My parents graciously let us move in with them while we buy a house.  We put all of our stuff into storage and settled into my parents house and the home loan process began!

We were just informed that for the loan they need all W2's from 2010....Well....me being the organizer that I am, filed away everything from 2010 and before.  Which of course meant the box or bin with all those papers was somewhere in one of our 3 storage units. I tried to find ways of obtaining copies of them so I wouldn't have to go dig them out, but there was no way, save it be to pay lots of money to the IRS and wait weeks for them to come.

Today I decided that I would go and look.  I had narrowed it down to 2 storage units that it could be in.  So I opened both doors and immediately felt discouraged.  They were stuffed full and the front was full of odds and ends thrown in.  I called my husband and told him that we would have to come back on his next day off and unload the storage unit.
After I hung up the phone, I said a prayer.  I felt strongly which unit it was in.  I then had a feeling to start moving out boxes on a certain side of the unit.  So I started pulling out a dresser, baby bassinet, and lots of boxes and odds and ends.  I finally reached the stacks of bins (about 6 feet back) and couldn't see any labels.  Again I was discouraged.  I was about to put everything back in when I noticed a small bin that had been put on the bottom of a stack of boxes, which was crushed from the weight of everything on top of it.  I figured I better unbury it and put it on top.  As I moved the whole stack that was on top of it, I kept noticing a box with squiggly writing on it....not my handwriting.  I ignored it and moved on.  But my attention kept being drawn to it so I finally decided to read what it said....and there were the words (in my husband's "fanciest" writing) "Important papers."  

I had found it!  But truly, it wasn't me who had found it.  I was directed to it.  Had I ignored those promptings to dig a little further and to read what was labeled on a box that I thought for sure wouldn't be the box I was looking for (I thought I had put them into a bin and labeled it myself), then we wouldn't have the papers that we so badly need for our loan.  I immediately thanked Heavenly Father for his assistance in finding the box....the needle in a haystack, so to speak.  I am truly blessed.

Moments That Change A Life

Last week on Monday, my husband's parents and brother were supposed to be driving across the state to visit us.  Instead my husband and I drove over 6 hours to the hospital where my father-in-law lay on life support, so that we could say our goodbyes.  Then we stayed by his side as he passed on.

It was one of the saddest and hardest things I have ever had happen in my life.  I have lost many people in my life, but had never been with someone as they passed away.  As sad as it was to be there, I am glad we were able to be there.  We were able to say goodbye and we were able to be there with him so he wasn't alone as his life slipped away.

This experience has really affected me.  I have been grieving deeply, but have also learned from this happening. I learned that it is important to always let people know how you feel about them so that there are no regrets if they pass away.  I have always felt awkward with being "touchy/huggy" with people or telling people I love them (other than to my husband, my children, and my parents).  I don't want to continue that route, so I have already begun working on that in myself.  I am pretty sure I caught my brother-in-law off guard when I gave him a hug this past week, but I know I would feel awful if anything happened and he never knew that I consider him my brother.

I know this is completely cliche', but life really is too short.  Goes along with the other cliche' of "live like there's no tomorrow."  I started to realize this after my husband and my dear friend passed away last fall and now with losing my father-in-law it is cemented into my mind.  So now I am making changes in my life.

There is a song that is now one of my favorites, which I think fits very well for how I want to be now.

For King & Country "Proof of Your Love"

Christmas Miracle

Today my husband and I dropped our 2 older kids off with my mom so we could get some shopping out of the way.  When we left one of the stores, we had our 8 month old baby in the cart as we walked across the parking lot to our van.  As we were walking, my husband and I noticed something fall to the ground.  We stopped and looked and it was a coupon.  I stood there for a few seconds confused because the coupon was in the diaper bag (deep down in a pocket) which was buried under some grocery bags.  As I was standing there confused at how it could suddenly fall out like that, a van backed up really fast from it's parking spot.  Didn't even see us standing there.  Had we not stopped to pick up the coupon and kept walking instead, the van would have hit us.

At first we were freaked out at the van backing out so fast, but we quickly felt thankful that the coupon flew out onto the ground.  Which in all reality shouldn't have been able to get out of the bag and fall... We know without a doubt in our minds that we were being watched over and protected.  Had that van hit us, our 8 month old would have gotten badly hurt and we could have gotten hurt too (and I am pregnant, so baby could have been hurt too).  This truly was a miracle that we are thanking our gracious Heavenly Father for.

It's Okay To Feel

The pain is so deep.  My heart has been physically in pain since the news of our friend's death.  It becomes hard to move, hard to go about the daily things I need to do.  It is paralyzing.  I have often wondered how people get through times like this.  Part of me feels that it isn't possible.

Some amazing friends have given beautiful consoling words and I would like to share one that I am finding helpful right now:

"The best quote from Time Out for Women:
I know everything is going to be okay; but that doesn't make it okay right now.
It is ok to hurt and feel the million feelings inside.  Healing will be a while in coming, but the best things are worth waiting for.
All my love and prayers!"

Knowing it is ok to let myself feel all the sadness, grief, anger, sorrow, the pain.... that helps.  Knowing that the healing does take a while, but I will get there, really helps too.  I am grateful for the friends and family that I have to get me through this hard time.  God has blessed me with some amazing people in my life.  One may have gone home to Him, but it doesn't mean he left us completely.  We have wonderful memories that we have shared and his spirit around us.  And we have the wonderful friends and family to help lift us up during this time.

Today one of my favorite songs came on the radio.  The song now has a completely different meaning to me.

God Be With You Till We Meet Again

Things had been going real well for us lately.  My husband's job is progressing better than before and we just found out that we are expecting another baby.  We were out today as a family, enjoying our time together.  We sat down at our favorite restaurant, ordered the food and were having a nice time together.  Then we got a phone call that felt like a semi just hit us out of nowhere.

My husband met his best friend when he was young.  They remained best friends for the past 20 years.  When my husband and I first met, his friend immediately took me in as a friend too.  Not too long after, he became like a brother to me like he had been to my husband for so many years.  We took vacations together, when we lived in the same area he would come hang out with us several times a week.  Our kids adore and love him, they even called him their uncle.  He was a very important part of our lives.

So to get a phone call today that he had died was beyond devastating.  I broke down right there in the restaurant.  We didn't want to tell the kids there, so we got our food put in to go boxes and went home.  Telling our kids was even harder than hearing it myself.  It did make me feel grateful though for the knowledge I have of the after life and that we have taught our kids about it.  I felt grateful to be able to tell them that their uncle was in Heaven and that he is with his grandpa and grandma, who he often talked about how much he missed them.

As hard as this tragedy is, I am grateful to know that he is now in a happier place.  We will miss him dearly and there will always be a hole in our lives, but I know I will see him again some day.

Farewell, dear friend.  We will meet again.  At heaven's gate, we will meet again.