Today my heart is full.
With having health problems for years, 2 surgeries within 6 months of each other last year, stress of raising kids, stress of kids with health problems, financial issues, etc... It has been so easy over the years to get so caught up in my own little world. I get so focused on how fatigued I am feeling, how stressed I am with trying to keep up with the day to day stuff, so focused on things pertaining to myself, that I just feel empty. I felt like I was losing myself and didn't know who I was any more.
Lately, in order to help out with our financial situation, I have been trying to find ways to earn money. My friend hired me to clean her house. It really helped us out, but it just felt so wrong to me to be paid to do this service. I was glad to make money to be able to help out our family, but I still didn't feel accomplished or any better about myself. I couldn't figure out why. But today I have had a light bulb moment.
Serving others is so ingrained in me. I live to serve others. I had the opportunity to serve several times lately and I am actually feeling less empty. My heart feels full because of this. It feels just downright wrong to do things and be paid. I know in the big scheme of things that is just silly, but that is just how my heart is. I don't write this to draw attention to any service I have done or to try to get praise or a pat on the back. Not at all. I always feel weird talking about service I have done or when people acknowledge what I have done (of course when people thank me it does make me feel good). I write this because to me, this is a special realization that Heavenly Father has given me. My little daily miracle, if you will.
I think that I have been given opportunities to serve because Heavenly Father knows that is what I need to overcome my depression due to being so focused on my trials. He knows my heart. He knows my soul. And He provides me with the things I need to overcome my struggles. It just took me a while to realize that these opportunities to serve were His way of helping me through.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Small and Simple Things
Some days it can be hard to see the miracles around us. I am sure there are big miracles that happen around me and I am just not noticing them as my mind is preoccupied with life... looking back on today the miracle that comes first to my mind is very simple and small. I played a game with my 8 year old daughter.
Yes, you read that right. My miracle today was that I did a simple thing of playing a game with my child. Why is that a miracle? To explain, I will need to give a little bit more background.
Since my son was born a little over 3 years ago, I have had major sleep deprivation. He had health issues that caused him to not be able to sleep very well. (I'll write more about that in another post at another time) Which meant that I didn't sleep very well. As the years have gone on, I still have various things that have been affecting my sleep so I never, ever feel rested. Add on top of that my health problems (which cause fatigue) and the stress of raising a teenager, an inbetweener, and 2 toddlers... and I am a a mess. My stress hormone is on full blast all the time. I am always worn out.
Each day I have a kind of ritual that I do to give myself time to de-stress for a little bit in order to make it the rest of the day. I put my son down for a nap, have the other kids go play outside or busy with something, and then I make myself lunch which I eat in my bed as I watch a tv show. I NEED that time. I have found that I am a better mom when I get to have that time to step away from the craziness of my life.
Today my 8 year old asked me to please play a wii game with her. I finished my lunch and wanted to finish watching my show to de-stress a little longer. I put her off for a few minutes and tried to justify not playing a game with her, but I realized how important it was to her. So I reluctantly went out to play a game with her.
I saw that she had picked Just Dance... Dancing around all goofy?? Really? But I did it. I made sure to get real into it and be silly. I ended up having a lot of fun and so did she. We spent quality, fun one on one time together. I am so glad I put aside my selfish need/want and put her needs first. I know the nudge came from above, because He knew her needs.
Yes, you read that right. My miracle today was that I did a simple thing of playing a game with my child. Why is that a miracle? To explain, I will need to give a little bit more background.
Since my son was born a little over 3 years ago, I have had major sleep deprivation. He had health issues that caused him to not be able to sleep very well. (I'll write more about that in another post at another time) Which meant that I didn't sleep very well. As the years have gone on, I still have various things that have been affecting my sleep so I never, ever feel rested. Add on top of that my health problems (which cause fatigue) and the stress of raising a teenager, an inbetweener, and 2 toddlers... and I am a a mess. My stress hormone is on full blast all the time. I am always worn out.
Each day I have a kind of ritual that I do to give myself time to de-stress for a little bit in order to make it the rest of the day. I put my son down for a nap, have the other kids go play outside or busy with something, and then I make myself lunch which I eat in my bed as I watch a tv show. I NEED that time. I have found that I am a better mom when I get to have that time to step away from the craziness of my life.
Today my 8 year old asked me to please play a wii game with her. I finished my lunch and wanted to finish watching my show to de-stress a little longer. I put her off for a few minutes and tried to justify not playing a game with her, but I realized how important it was to her. So I reluctantly went out to play a game with her.
I saw that she had picked Just Dance... Dancing around all goofy?? Really? But I did it. I made sure to get real into it and be silly. I ended up having a lot of fun and so did she. We spent quality, fun one on one time together. I am so glad I put aside my selfish need/want and put her needs first. I know the nudge came from above, because He knew her needs.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Finding Joy
I am a mom of 4 kids, ages 13, 8, 4, and 3. My 3 year old is a crazy, Tasmanian devil boy- I say that VERY lovingly, of course! I adore him, but he definitely wears me out. The other 3 are girls... and can be high drama. So they wear me out too.
There are days when I actually think to myself, "I don't want to be a mom any more! Why is this the life I wanted so bad as a kid?!?!"
Those days... are very hard days. Not just hard because the kids are fighting over EVERYTHING, or because my son dumped yet ANOTHER cup of juice, water, or milk all over his sister's bedroom, or because I have to figure out another dinner and find the energy to actually make it, or the many other challenges I face as a parent. The part that makes it the hardest is the guilt I feel. I feel guilty for not having the patience that I feel I should have with my kids. I feel guilty that dinner was thrown together and is mostly leftovers we have had the past couple days. Guilt over not getting the house clean. Guilt over yelling at my kids when I got to my whits end. But the BIGGEST guilt of all that I feel on those days is for actually wishing that these beautiful little spawns of my husband and I weren't here. Because when I let myself think that I don't want to be a mom any more, that it is too much- I'm in a way saying I wish they didn't exist.
That guilt is the worst. That guilt makes me feel like the worst person to ever live.
I love my kids so much. Sometimes life gets hard. I put my needs on the back burner, I don't take care of my own health, I don't take the time to do things that I used to love doing, and I let moments of joy slip through my fingers.
When I am struggling, my sister will lovingly remind me that in the scriptures there is a phrase, "It came to pass". That my hard times will pass, because they didn't "come to stay". I love this reminder.
Today I am focusing on the joy as much as I can. The good things that I can find joy in. Because these amazing kids are growing up- much too fast!- and before I know it, they will be adults living their own lives and I will miss this so much. So I will find joy in this phase of my life. This phase will pass all too quickly and I don't want to be asleep at the wheel and one day realize I missed out on all the joyful moments.
This realization is a miracle to me. Heavenly Father knows my needs and nudged me to start writing again because He knows that when I write- I realize things. It makes the light bulb turn on. And that if I am actively looking for the daily miracles, then I will find them.
There are days when I actually think to myself, "I don't want to be a mom any more! Why is this the life I wanted so bad as a kid?!?!"
Those days... are very hard days. Not just hard because the kids are fighting over EVERYTHING, or because my son dumped yet ANOTHER cup of juice, water, or milk all over his sister's bedroom, or because I have to figure out another dinner and find the energy to actually make it, or the many other challenges I face as a parent. The part that makes it the hardest is the guilt I feel. I feel guilty for not having the patience that I feel I should have with my kids. I feel guilty that dinner was thrown together and is mostly leftovers we have had the past couple days. Guilt over not getting the house clean. Guilt over yelling at my kids when I got to my whits end. But the BIGGEST guilt of all that I feel on those days is for actually wishing that these beautiful little spawns of my husband and I weren't here. Because when I let myself think that I don't want to be a mom any more, that it is too much- I'm in a way saying I wish they didn't exist.
That guilt is the worst. That guilt makes me feel like the worst person to ever live.
I love my kids so much. Sometimes life gets hard. I put my needs on the back burner, I don't take care of my own health, I don't take the time to do things that I used to love doing, and I let moments of joy slip through my fingers.
When I am struggling, my sister will lovingly remind me that in the scriptures there is a phrase, "It came to pass". That my hard times will pass, because they didn't "come to stay". I love this reminder.
Today I am focusing on the joy as much as I can. The good things that I can find joy in. Because these amazing kids are growing up- much too fast!- and before I know it, they will be adults living their own lives and I will miss this so much. So I will find joy in this phase of my life. This phase will pass all too quickly and I don't want to be asleep at the wheel and one day realize I missed out on all the joyful moments.
This realization is a miracle to me. Heavenly Father knows my needs and nudged me to start writing again because He knows that when I write- I realize things. It makes the light bulb turn on. And that if I am actively looking for the daily miracles, then I will find them.
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