Finding Joy

I am a mom of 4 kids, ages 13, 8, 4, and 3. My 3 year old is a crazy, Tasmanian devil boy- I say that VERY lovingly, of course! I adore him, but he definitely wears me out. The other 3 are girls... and can be high drama. So they wear me out too.

There are days when I actually think to myself, "I don't want to be a mom any more! Why is this the life I wanted so bad as a kid?!?!"

Those days... are very hard days. Not just hard because the kids are fighting over EVERYTHING, or because my son dumped yet ANOTHER cup of juice, water, or milk all over his sister's bedroom, or because I have to figure out another dinner and find the energy to actually make it, or the many other challenges I face as a parent. The part that makes it the hardest is the guilt I feel. I feel guilty for not having the patience that I feel I should have with my kids. I feel guilty that dinner was thrown together and is mostly leftovers we have had the past couple days. Guilt over not getting the house clean. Guilt over yelling at my kids when I got to my whits end. But the BIGGEST guilt of all that I feel on those days is for actually wishing that these beautiful little spawns of my husband and I weren't here. Because when I let myself think that I don't want to be a mom any more, that it is too much- I'm in a way saying I wish they didn't exist.

That guilt is the worst. That guilt makes me feel like the worst person to ever live.

I love my kids so much. Sometimes life gets hard. I put my needs on the back burner, I don't take care of my own health, I don't take the time to do things that I used to love doing, and I let moments of joy slip through my fingers.

When I am struggling, my sister will lovingly remind me that in the scriptures there is a phrase, "It came to pass". That my hard times will pass, because they didn't "come to stay". I love this reminder.

Today I am focusing on the joy as much as I can. The good things that I can find joy in. Because these amazing kids are growing up- much too fast!- and before I know it, they will be adults living their own lives and I will miss this so much. So I will find joy in this phase of my life. This phase will pass all too quickly and I don't want to be asleep at the wheel and one day realize I missed out on all the joyful moments.

This realization is a miracle to me. Heavenly Father knows my needs and nudged me to start writing again because He knows that when I write- I realize things. It makes the light bulb turn on. And that if I am actively looking for the daily miracles, then I will find them.

Being a Mom

We spent the weekend on the coast in a beach house.  We had no internet access, so it was all focused on each other.  It was supposed to be a vacation....it was supposed to allow me to get away from all the stress of unpacking and allow me to relax.  But vacationing with kids isn't so easy.

The baby was perfect.  She was happy and giggly, but the older two kids fought and whined left and right.  It was overwhelming.  I was constantly cleaning up after everyone and trying to get the kids to quit fighting and being mean and rude. 

We got back yesterday and there has been a lot of hyperactivity now with being home.  And hyperactivity means they don't listen to me at all.  I am beyond exhausted from unpacking and going on vacation and then back to unpacking.  I can hardly keep myself going. 

I bet you are wondering where the blessing/miracle is, huh?  Well, here it is.... Even with all of that, even with the stress and exhaustion, even with the arguing and whining....I love my kids dearly and I love being a mom.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  My life wouldn't be complete without them.  I am so blessed to be a mom.

Blessed By God's Love

So many amazing things have happened in our life this past week.  It has been chaotic with the move, but each day has been filled with blessings and little miracles.  I just didn't have internet hooked up until yesterday, so wasn't able to write about them.

It is so apparent that God is in our lives.  That his hand guides us and that he wants to see us each succeed.  Difference is, God's thoughts on success are different than most mortals.  We view success as having a really good paying job, big house, fancy car...you know, the type of things that make us feel good enough about ourselves to want to go to our high school reunions.  Success in God's eyes are very different from those things.  His kind of success is far greater.

I am so grateful to have God in my life.  I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have of him and his son, Jesus Christ.  I am so blessed to have been born into a Christian family so that I could grow up knowing about our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ.  In my adult life things always turn out as long as I have listened to the promptings of the spirit in where I need to be and what I need to be doing.  Even during the struggles, as long as I stay close to God then I am just fine.

He takes care of us.  I have heard people ask why he lets bad things happen to us if he loves us so much.  Why he lets us make mistakes, etc.  I have come to realize, through being a parent, that you can't MAKE your kids make the right choices.  All you can do is provide them with the knowledge they need in order to succeed and make the right choices.  It is up to them to use that knowledge.  If they are made to make the right choices then they learn nothing from it.  If they make bad choices, fall at times, then they learn and grow.  That is what God does for us.  I am so grateful that he loves me enough to let me make my own mistakes and choices.  Because I have grown so very much the past couple years due to making wrong decisions and even due to making right decisions.

I am just feeling so extremely blessed today.

True Love

I am laying here in bed.  Everyone is asleep, even the baby.  I really should be sleeping since it is nearly 1 am.  But I just can't shut my mind off.  It is racing through too many thoughts to even process.  I figure that writing a blog will force me to focus on one thing...we shall see if that works :)

I am laying here next to my husband and feeling so blessed.  I am so in love with him.  I feel like I have known him my whole life and can't even remember life without him.  It's like he has been there from the beginning.  Now that is a special kind of love.  A love that is truly a blessing.  I thank my Father in Heaven every day for bringing us together. 

I Am a Child of God

Life has been real difficult lately.  Trying to think of "miracles" in my daily life hasn't come easy.  In fact, that is why I haven't written.  I just couldn't see much good to focus on.  Until today.


Today I had a strong realization of how much God loves me.  That I am his daughter and he loves me.  I am not perfect, I make mistakes, but he loves me anyway.  This realization came when I was listening to K-Love and a song by Sidewalk Prophets came on called, "You Love Me Anyway."

"Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me"

I may be going through a hard time, but God is there and he loves me anyway.  Just because I am going through trials does not mean he has abandoned me.  He is there, I just need to let myself feel him there and not abandon him.