Finding Joy

I am a mom of 4 kids, ages 13, 8, 4, and 3. My 3 year old is a crazy, Tasmanian devil boy- I say that VERY lovingly, of course! I adore him, but he definitely wears me out. The other 3 are girls... and can be high drama. So they wear me out too.

There are days when I actually think to myself, "I don't want to be a mom any more! Why is this the life I wanted so bad as a kid?!?!"

Those days... are very hard days. Not just hard because the kids are fighting over EVERYTHING, or because my son dumped yet ANOTHER cup of juice, water, or milk all over his sister's bedroom, or because I have to figure out another dinner and find the energy to actually make it, or the many other challenges I face as a parent. The part that makes it the hardest is the guilt I feel. I feel guilty for not having the patience that I feel I should have with my kids. I feel guilty that dinner was thrown together and is mostly leftovers we have had the past couple days. Guilt over not getting the house clean. Guilt over yelling at my kids when I got to my whits end. But the BIGGEST guilt of all that I feel on those days is for actually wishing that these beautiful little spawns of my husband and I weren't here. Because when I let myself think that I don't want to be a mom any more, that it is too much- I'm in a way saying I wish they didn't exist.

That guilt is the worst. That guilt makes me feel like the worst person to ever live.

I love my kids so much. Sometimes life gets hard. I put my needs on the back burner, I don't take care of my own health, I don't take the time to do things that I used to love doing, and I let moments of joy slip through my fingers.

When I am struggling, my sister will lovingly remind me that in the scriptures there is a phrase, "It came to pass". That my hard times will pass, because they didn't "come to stay". I love this reminder.

Today I am focusing on the joy as much as I can. The good things that I can find joy in. Because these amazing kids are growing up- much too fast!- and before I know it, they will be adults living their own lives and I will miss this so much. So I will find joy in this phase of my life. This phase will pass all too quickly and I don't want to be asleep at the wheel and one day realize I missed out on all the joyful moments.

This realization is a miracle to me. Heavenly Father knows my needs and nudged me to start writing again because He knows that when I write- I realize things. It makes the light bulb turn on. And that if I am actively looking for the daily miracles, then I will find them.

Oh, To Be Tested

Today I took all 3 kids to the grocery store by myself.  I rushed through my shopping so we could get home with plenty of time to put things away and relax before J's softball practice.  We went through the checkout, paid, then went outside.  Walked across the parking lot to the car.  Got all the girls loaded in and the groceries loaded into the trunk.  It was so hot out that first thing E asked for was for me to turn the AC on.  As I put the last of the groceries into the trunk I saw a bag of tomatoes laying in the cart.  I realized I hadn't paid for them. 

I was exhausted, it was hot, the kids were loaded into the car... How tempting it could have been to just say, "It's only less than $2 worth of tomatoes...they won't notice."  But I didn't.  As inconvenient as it was to get the baby back out (lugging the car seat) and the other 2 kids out and walk back across the parking lot in the heat, back into the store, food melting in the hot trunk of the car... I still did it.  I went in and paid for the tomatoes. 

I didn't even think twice about going back in to pay.  But it made me think about how good it is to have these moments of temptation in our lives so that we can rise above them and do the right thing.  How much character it builds.  And let's not forget the lesson I hope it taught my children.  That is the most priceless part about it.